Federal Government Creates “Thoughts And Prayers Force” Branch of the Military

WASHINGTON, DC — Amid all of the current catastrophes on the American homefront, the federal government has responded to the cries of the American people by creating a new military branch: The Thoughts and Prayers Force. 

The Thoughts and Prayers Force was created and immediately mobilized over the weekend in response to the continuing tragedies throughout the country. From floods to earthquakes to medical emergencies to shootings, the Thoughts and Prayers Force will mobilize at sites in crisis, and provide the community with an ample supply of thoughts and prayers they so desperately need. 

“Our soldiers are the most highly trained thoughters and prayerers the world has ever seen. They will do anything from bowing their heads in silent reflection to reading scripture,” commented Thoughts and Prayers Force commanding officer General Casey Ryback. “The Thoughts and Prayers Force is here to help in any way that does not involve physically helping people.” 

The phrase “thoughts and prayers” dates back several years with origins in common condolences. Over the past decade the phrase has undergone semantic sanitation, which is the phenomenon where a word completely loses its intended meaning due to the excessive overuse and watering down. 

It comes as no surprise that Federal lawmakers, being the drivers of the semantic sanitation of thoughts and prayers, would create a military branch to provide the country with military-grade thoughts and prayers.  

“As each disaster has unfolded, the sole duty of providing the country with thoughts and prayers was falling onto our shoulders,” commented House Representative Jeff Johnson. “So we decided to throw money at the problem.”

The Thoughts and Prayers Force is budgeted for $15.3 billion in 2021 (equal to Space Force funding), which would feed 5.1 million people for an entire year. 

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.