MADISON, WIS — Following the results of the Super Tuesday primaries, two generations of human beings are now endorsing a deadly virus as their 2020 candidate.
“Oh my god, fucking kill me, already,” millennial voter Fawn Davidson said. “I’ve just gone from ‘hopeful for the future’ to ‘I hope I fucking die soon’ because the future is going to be nothing but the same old misery.”
Donald J. Trump continues to handily win in the republican primary contest. Former Vice President Joe Biden also won big over his rival Bernie Sanders thanks in large part to turnout in the “wishy-washy moderate lemmings” voter category.
With 2016 in their minds, younger generations now see Senator Sanders’ chances at the nomination slimming yet again. Because of that, Kill Me, Already has now become the rallying cry for the younger generations’ new candidate: COVID-19 Caused by Coronavirus.
“I’m not washing my hands, fuck that,” Gen-Z voter Addison Schultz said. “Why? So I can help my dad’s generation decide between the ‘lesser of two evils’ again? I’d rather die than watch them continue to ruin my future. Kill me, already.”
A La Crosse Times poll shows that nearly 93% of eligible voters between 18-39 years of age want to die “as soon as possible, please”. That’s up from just 13% on Monday of this week.
Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.