Freezer Treat “Theft” Through the Roof Since Quarantine

LA CROSSE, WIS — People all around the country are doing their best to limit their time in public settings. One of the biggest changes in our habits is to stock up on a couple weeks worth of groceries at a time. This has caused great concern for north side resident Richard Allen who opened his freezer last night and expected to find a variety of frozen treats he bought only two days ago of which to choose.

That was not the case. Every single treat was gone. No ice cream. No popsicles. Nothing. A supply built to last him and his wife two weeks was gone in 48 hours. What happened to them you ask? Allen has a theory. 

“Uhm… they were.. Uh.. stolen! Yeah, that’s it. I was robbed by a freezer treat thief,” explained Allen with his eyes wide alternating between quickly looking left to right. “Someone broke into my house undetected, stole all my freezer treats, dripped some of the melted ice cream on my shirt and the corners of my mouth, cleaned up after himself, and then locked the door on his way out. Damn hoodlums.” 

Though Allen claims the theft occurred sometime between when his wife went to bed and when she woke up, he has no explanation as to how the thief entered their residence undetected. That said, he does have a theory as to why they would “jam the empty wrapper evidence into the bottom of the garbage.”

“I felt… uh… I mean, the thief felt guilty and probably tried to hide the evidence,” Allen continued, “hoping that my wife would not find them.”

Allan’s wife did find them, something Allen is still trying to figure out how and why she was rooting around the bottom of the trash can. 

Allen is not the only one in the La Crosse area who has experienced freezer treat theft. The problem has run rampant across the city. Even their next door neighbor, Tim Ferguson, said he experienced the freezer treat theft too. 

“Oh, uh… Yeah! It must have been that theft you guys mentioned. I’ve been trying to think of a reason why all of our freezer treats are disappearing,” Ferguson commented. “Except our freezer thief takes the wrappers out to the garbage can in the garage because our treat thief is obviously smarter.”   

Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.