Golden Keg Files for Unemployment

LA CROSSE, WIS — Following Monday’s announcement that the 60th annual Oktoberfest will be canceled for 2020, the Golden Keg has officially filed for unemployment benefits.

Many see the official beginning of La Crosse’s world renowned Oktoberfest as the moment the golden keg is tapped, kicking off a weekend of celebrating only the fun parts of German heritage. The golden keg is filled with Heilmann’s Old Style lager, to be tapped and enjoyed by thousands of onlookers.

La Crosse’s unfortunate dip into the “severe risk” territory of contracting COVID-19 means for the first time in sixty years, the Golden Keg is out of a job.

“I’m too old to think about another job,” the keg said. “What am I gonna do, pick up a weekend gig at some house party? No. That’s a sure fire way to get the virus. I’m just going to have to hope that the money for unemployment doesn’t run out.”

The Golden Keg now joins tens of millions in the US who have filed for unemployment after losing their jobs due to the coronavirus pandemic.

“I have called them about 234 times trying to get through,” the keg added. “Maybe if this doesn’t work out, The Golden Brat and I will start a podcast.”

La Crosse Times Staff contributed to this article.

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