WASHINGTON D.C. — Federal lawmakers have added a stipulation to receive government financial assistance: any person who qualifies must submit boot straps that have shown adequate wear-and-tear from regular pulling sessions.
Overall, the legislation is generally aimed at flooding the economy with capital to support households that have been knocked off course by fears of the COVID-19 virus’s rapid spread. Though details remained fluid, the legislation would include direct payments of $1,200 to many American adults and $500 to children. There would also be large spending increases for the unemployment program, which has the added the boot strap stipulation.
“We are very excited to launch this economic assistance program,” commented government spokesman Derrick Whoretime. “It’s designed to help money-deficient Americans through this difficult time as long as they meet the criteria set by engaging in the American economic bootstrap pulling process.”
The precondition in the stimulus package reads:
THX-1138: Workers are eligible for government assistance if, and only if, they are temporarily out of work due to the COVID-19 virus. They are then required to bring boots with straps – or equivalent foot garb thereof – to a government office to be subjected to several bootstrap endurance tests. Financial assistance is then contingent upon failure of the submitted bootstraps which includes all government-approved forms of pulling, tugging, ripping, tearing, and wrenching.
When asked how the bootstrap endurance testers would be able to identify fraudulent boots, Whoretime added that the testers will be trained in poverty deception tactics including (but not limited to):
- Identifying non-poor items on the person including name brand clothing and iPhones
- The Cinderella test checking if the boots fit the occupant
- Quickly putting the boot behind the testers back and asking “What color are they?”
- Asking “Hey? Are these your bootstraps?” followed by “Are you sure?” followed by accusatory eye squinting to be held for no fewer than 10 seconds
- Urine samples
There is no timetable for when the package will be released, but it is speculated that like most government programs, Americans who need the assistance immediately will have to wait until well after the pandemic has passed.
Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.