LA CROSSE, WIS — Gundersen Health System has developed a new way to vaccinate anti-vaxxers; a vaccine that “totally prevents people from getting vaccines. Seriously.”
This decision came with heavily sarcastic air quotes after a report from the Wisconsin Department of Health Services showed that counties in western Wisconsin have some of the lowest childhood vaccination rates in the country. Unfortunately, the area has consistently been trending downward since 2017 for child vaccinations of measles, polio and a number of other diseases that will fuck you right up. All this, despite national vaccination trends going up.
“We intend to fight fire with fire, or stupidity with stupidity,” said Gundersen spokesman Dr. Plushie Inflatable, “We intend to roll this out to the anti-vaxx community by creating a blog with loads of bogus research filled with scare tactics, misinformation and cleverly photoshopped images to invoke fear and urgency.”
Gundersen Health System will then offer a “fix it all miracle elixir” that will falsely promise to stave off the evils of preventative medicine once and for all.
“We’ve hired some of the best fiction writers to conjure up something sciency-sounding, but has absolutely no basis on medical science,” Inflatable added. “We anticipate anti-vaxxers will get soak that right up. It’s all about presentation, not content”
The medical officials will begin by administering a number of decoy procedures at the start including rubbing a variety of scented oils on parts of the body you cannot reach, rubbing a sliced onion on your palms, and conjuring different healing spirits. Once rapport has been established, the medicine will be administered via syringe that will be camouflaged as an “alternative medicine based singular acupuncture.”
“Just to be safe, we have hired a man in a top hat, tails suit, and curly mustache on a horse-drawn carriage to administer the magic elixir to these surrounding communities,” Inflatable continued. “He will seem both knowledgeable, safe and entertaining, but will be none of those things.”
Reporter Dr. Jonathon H. Dong contributed to this article.