Guy Constantly Bumming Cigarettes Now Going Through Nicotine Withdrawals

ONALASKA, WIS — More issues driven by the coronavirus pandemic came to light in the Coulee Region Friday, as one local cigarette moocher is now experiencing symptoms of withdrawal.

Self-described “social smoker” Gary Fenimore, 31, said his symptoms arrived four days into Wisconsin’s Safer At Home order. 

“Normally I borrow one from someone else in my group of friends,” Fenimore said, “but now that we can’t hang out at all, I can’t sleep, I’m angry all the time and I’m putting on a TON of weight.”

Others in Fenimore’s circle of friends are now reporting a surplus in their own supplies.

“This is great for my bank account,” Sammie Tranestopper said. “I don’t have to buy a pack nearly as often.”

“I didn’t realize it, but I’m actually the social smoker, not Gary,” Fredrick Nottinghill said. “I just have three or four packs collecting dust now.”

Fenimore says despite his withdrawals, he will continue not paying for his own cigarettes.

“Nah,” Fenimore said. “Expensive habit. Wouldn’t want to break the bank. I only smoke when I drink anyway.”

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.