Guy Who Just Got to His Seat Already Has to Pee; Holds it to “Own The Libs”

TULSA, OK — With his staff boasting during the past week that over a million tickets had been reserved, President Donald Trump anticipated his campaign rally in Tulsa, Oklahoma to be the launching of his 2020 reelection campaign. But the rally proved to be only a fraction of that with over two-thirds of the seats empty.

The official attendance number released by event coordinators at the 20,000 seat arena: just under 6,200. 

With that in mind, a plan for an outdoor speech to an overflow crowd was also quickly scrapped due to the sparse turnout. The event that has been marred by controversy from the beginning with Tulsa’s violently racist history to the original date being on Juneteenth, and has been unanimously seen as a flop. 

When Trump staffer Chad Bradtad was asked about the dismal turnout, he responded with a wide-eyed panic-stricken look, “This is a great turn-out and do not say anything different! A million are here because I counted them. A million people just isn’t what it used to be and that’s because Obama made people look less full.” 

Those in attendance were not as oblivious to the mediocre attendance and did their absolute best to make the arena look as full as possible. Jared Cornmeal was in attendance and made sure he did his part. 

“I tried to make myself look as big and wide as I could, ya know? Puff my cheeks. Hold my arms out unnaturally far,” Cornmeal explained, “I even put my coat and hat on an empty seat hoping it would look like another person in the crowd.”

Other attendees also attempted to fill the comically vacuous void by building scarecrows out of TRUMP 2020 signs and MAGA hats. Then Cornmeal noticed the second mezzanine was completely empty, and decided to position himself there hoping to start a wave of people to spread out throughout the arena. 

“I figured if a small group of people could sit up in the balcony and they dim the lights, maybe we could make enough noise to fool people into thinking it was full,” Cornmeal continued, “I mean, that’s what they did when they filmed the fight scenes in Rocky.” 

Unfortunately for Cornmeal, the plan quickly backfired as he quickly noticed he was the lone Trump supporter seated in the balcony. To make matters worse, the moment Cornmeal sat down in the middle of the balcony, he immediately had to take a pee. 

“I was going to quickly go take a leak, but then Trump came out,” Cornmeal said, “And I couldn’t leave right after he started. Can you imagine if the entire second balcony just got up and left right at the start of the speech? I had to stay there and hold down the fort.” 

Eventually Cornmeal did piss his pants, but stayed until Trump left the stage. When asked why he would put himself through so much public humiliation and discomfort, he retorted “to own the libs.” 

La Crosse Times staff contributed to this article.