“Happy Birthday Tanner” Completely Tanks at the Box Office

LA CROSSE, WIS — Coming in at $0.0 million dollars, Happy Birthday Tanner’s dismal performance is now one of the worst in history.

Marquis for the highly anticipated sequel to Welcome Back Logan Students went up at 5th Avenue’s Historic Hollywood Theater in early summer of 2019. However by opening weekend, not one movie goer was to be found, baffling staff.

“It just didn’t generate as much buzz as Welcome Back Logan [Students] did,” Hollywood Theater owner Phil Addis said. “In hindsight, we should have put an exclamation point after “Tanner”. It was either that, or fix up and open the theater… one of those might have had more of an effect on sales. Probably the exclamation point thing, though.”

Welcome Back Logan Students brought in an impressive $0.00000054 million during its three month run, though critics say ticket sales were likely confused with someone accidentally dropping two quarters and four pennies on the way to work in the Exchange Building. 

Despite its abysmal opening weekend performance, Happy Birthday Tanner is now followed up by yet another sequel, Happy Birthday Jerry. For a listing of it’s showtimes, log onto the Historic Hollywood Theater’s website.

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.

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