LA CROSSE, WIS — Summer is here and we’ve already seen several scorching days in the La Crosse area. Unfortunately we are only getting started as we can expect temperatures to stay in the 90s through mid-July. La Crosse citizens are being warned that the high temperatures combined with a crushing humidity will create the perfect conditions for swamp-ass.
Swamp-ass (or mud butt) is where there is a significant amount of sweat between your butt cheeks with the feeling of two wet sponges rubbing together. There is some debate about where the swamp analogy plays into the swamp ass itself. Some believe that the feeling of sweat in your ass feels like you are sitting in a swamp. Others feel that the ass sweat combined with movement makes it feel like an actual swamp inside your ass. One thing can be agreed upon, swamp-ass feels awful.
“Swamp ass is a condition that affects millions of Americans every summer. It’s nothing to be ashamed of,” explained Dr. George Tripleply, specialist of swamp-ass kinesiology, “but if swamp-ass is left untreated, it could lead to a severe case of duck butter where the ass sweat combines with crotch sweat to form a film that only gets thicker and smellier by the minute.”
Tripleply developed the 5 levels of swamp-ass intensity that were modeled after the US military DEFCON system he calls “ASSCON”:
- ASSCON 5 (Dry ass) Continue normal activities
- ASSCON 4 (First sweat drip in ass) Increase alert and attention; continue with normal activities
- ASSCON 3 (Steady drips into the ass) Take subtle actions like wiping shirt on back to prevent dripping flow
- ASSCON 2 (Ass cheeks are starting to slide) Find a bathroom and take corrective action with courtesy wiping
- ASSCON 1 (Ass sweat shows through shorts) ABORT ALL PLANS! Go home and change immediately
Dr. Tripleply also encourages people to take preventative measures to combat swamp-ass whenever possible like wearing absorbent underwear, packing emergency toilet paper, or just stay indoors.
Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.