Historic La Crescent Tours Canceled After Discovering Nothing Interesting Ever Happened There

LA CRESCENT, MINN — Just one week before opening to the public, the new Historic La Crescent bus and walking tours have been canceled, with organizers citing an unusual lack of usable material.

Following in the footsteps of the popular Historic Trolley Tours and Dark La Crosse tours held regularly across the river, a group of La Crescent citizens wanted to have their very own activity for family members and friends who no longer drink alcohol or watch Netflix.

Lead organizer and Bauer’s Market employee Lane Sanderson reached out to the La Crosse Historical Society for help researching and gathering material for the tours. They agreed, and that is when the trouble started.

“I’ve lived here my whole life,” Sanderson said. “I thought for sure there would have been like a train heist or a smuggling operation or decent restaurant or SOMETHING.”

Archivist Scott Brouwer says they spent a painstaking seven months trying to find “literally anything” they could use for the tours and came up empty-handed.

“It’s just apples,” Brouwer said. “Oh! And senior citizens. Apples and senior citizens. I couldn’t fucking believe it. Even the Town of Campbell had a grave robber.”

There was also the question of funding to pay for the trolley and tour guides. One organizer suggested the City of La Crescent put forth a referendum question asking for public funding of the proposed historic tours. Sources say that organizer was arrested and is now serving a life sentence as the La Crescent/Hokah Superintendent of Schools.

According to Sanderson, previously booked tours will be refunded at full value in the form of 2015 Applefest buttons.

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.