HOLMEN, WIS — A 38-year-old Holmen woman has spontaneously ascended to heaven after being the first person in human history to completely finish an entire tube of chapstick.
Hernia Swankhandle made the unannounced rise to the promised land Friday afternoon when she was preparing to go outside and brave the sub zero temperatures.
“When I opened the chapstick tube, I didn’t even realize that there was only just a little bit left in the bottom,” said Swankhandle as a disembodied voice from the heavens. “I applied it to my top lip with ease, but you can imagine my surprise when I started applying it to the bottom lip and it was bone dry!”
Swackhandle’s surprise came from the fact that not a single person in human history has ever finished an entire tube of chapstick. Statistically, the average Wisconsin resident has anywhere from 65-70 partially used chapstick tubes floating around their house with another 30-40 between car seats, in old coat pockets and tucked away in the back of desk drawers.
The moment Swackhandle finished the tube, she realized she had done something very special.
“I started to glow and slowly lift off the ground before I realized that I was ascending to heaven!” continued Swackhandle. “It was pretty amazing.”
Swackhandle added that she has been working on this particular chapstick tube for the past three years, and her canonization has already been streamlined through the Catholic Church assuring she will forever be recognized as a saint.
“What’s even more amazing about this is the fact that the chapstick was unflavored,” said a spokesman for the church. “This was a gift from God, and we can all learn from this.”
Reporter Dr. Jonathon H. Dong contributed to this article.