Homeschooling: Parents Have “Forgotten Most of This Useless Shit”


MADISON, WIS — Parents/Guardians across the state were thrown a bit of a curveball when students across the state quickly transitioned into homebound instruction over the course of only a couple days. In turn, this has caused families to adapt their entire schedule to accommodate their child’s learning time. Unfortunately, their success relies heavily on their own school curriculum knowledge and skill set, most of which they forget mere moments after they learned it years ago and have not used since.

“Holy hell. I had to teach my son (Stretchy) what a damn isotope is,” commented Jean Gorgonzolla, a parent of a newly homeschooled child. “He can’t even cook a meal for himself or do the laundry, yet subatomic particles seem to be what’s important to a 13 year old who still has yet to lose all his baby teeth.”

Though the instruction is still organized and facilitated by teachers, it has become the sole responsibility of parents/guardians to be available to help students with homework-related questions. Many parents are not only reminded of how completely worthless most of the work is but of how difficult it is to keep their child on task.

“Of course Stretchy is off-task. This shit is boring,” Gorgonzola continued. “I mean, you’re asking a kid who watches YouTube videos of dead rats being tasered to take interest and learn the parts of a protist? It just isn’t happening.” 

Gorgonzola also pointed out Stretchy’s need for continual reminders to brush his teeth, take a shower, eat a vegetable, and drink water. Many of these skills she points out are not just essential skills, they are basic needs for survival. 

“Holy shit. He’s a trained test taking monkey who can tell you what an isosceles triangle is but would also die in two days if left on his own. I’m not saying this stuff isn’t interesting to a person going into one of the few science or math-related careers, but come on. Stretchy isn’t that kid; at least not yet,” Gorgonzola added. “Maybe when he’s older and can actually understand atoms and cellular respiration. While I’m being asked to help him with solving two-step algebraic equations and identify what an adverb clause is, he still thinks WWE wrestling is real and forgets to flush the toilet.”

Reporters Dr. Jonathan H. Dong and his assistant Krotch Zander (pornography historian) contributed to this article.