LA CROSSE, WIS — Local biologists at the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service have discovered a species of invasive carp in the Mississippi River near Lock and Dam number 7. This species of carp specifically are practitioners of alternative medicine.
Like all invasive carp species, this alternative medicine practicing population brings their own set of problems to the La Crosse area river system.
“Invasive carp are generally known for wreaking havoc in an ecosystem by out-competing local fish populations,” explained Department of Natural Resources (DNR) warden Jiggly Muffintop. “Whereas, an alternative medicine practicing carp wreaks havoc on the local medical community by flooding the area waters with bogus medical advice.”
Alternative medicine is the term for medical products and practices that are not what medical doctors and allied health professionals practice. Some of these alternative medicines the carp have brought with them include cryogenic chambers therapy, urine tonics, maggot debridement therapies, leech therapy, and snake oils. The practices are both not scientifically studied or proven to work. Despite this, alternative medicine practices is a billion dollar industry. Combine that with the economic toll carp have on a local ecosystem, and you have a recipe for disaster.
The U.S. Fish and Wildlife service has only one recommendation if you encounter an alternative medicine practicing invasive carp: Kill it; both literally and socially. This can be achieved by tossing it up on the banks to be eaten by birds and/or reporting it on all social media platforms.
“The most important thing for the community to do now is be aware,” Muffintop added, “and for the love of god DO NOT share any information it gives you or purchase anything from it. That’s how they reproduce.”
Reporter Dr. Jonathon H. Dong contributed to this article.