Kid Who Claims to Have “Daddy Fry” Just a Lying Little Son of a Bitch

LA CROSSE, WIS — When Rachel and Aaron Sausageless decided to take their 8-year-old-son Tommy to eat at Milwaukee Burger, they expected the evening to be a treat for the entire family. But the fun quickly soured when Tommy tried to convince his parents he had in his possession a “daddy fry.” Tommy then presented his parents a french fry measuring in at approximately 13 inches in length he claimed came in his chicken strip basket meal. 

“I don’t know what the hell Tommy was thinking,” Mr. Sausageless bemoaned. “We could clearly see he was pinching two somewhat long french fries together in the middle. Nobody holds a french fry like that! It’s unnatural to pinch a fry in the middle.”

While Mr. Sausageless sat in shocked silence at his child’s obvious ruse, Mrs. Sausageless tried to poke holes in Tommy’s flawed logic pointing out that the size of potato needed to make a fry that big would have to be the size of a football. Tommy instead doubled down with his french fry of deceit by agreeing that the football potato story must be the logical source vegetable. 

But that did not stop Mrs. Sausageless as she asked Tommy if she could inspect the fry in her hands to “see if it is a world record.” But Tommy cleverly rejected his mother’s attempts by saying that the fry was “fragile” being so big. 

“I couldn’t believe it. He was fully committed to the lie,” Mrs. Sausageless added. “I don’t understand what we did wrong to raise a child that lies through his teeth like this right to his parent’s face. It’s probably those video games.”

It was at that moment that Mr. Sausageless had had enough of Tommy’s games and quickly snatched one of the fries out of Tommy’s hand and displayed the evidence before his shocked son.

“So told him he was totally busted,” Mr. Sausageless explained, “but that’s when I looked at the fry in my hand and noticed that one end of the fry had been bitten off.”

In a premeditated action, Tommy bit the ends off both french friends before shrouding the wounded fry ends between his fingers. This gave Tommy the perfect escape as he then accused his dad of breaking the world’s longest french fry.

“We went from being angry to being frightened,” Mrs. Sausageless explained as tears streamed down her cheeks. “Our son is a sociopath.”

It is reported that Tommy attempted to make a “granddaddy fry” by combining three fries together, but gave up after he couldn’t get a sellable size and color match. 

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.