“Kill… Me”: Mangled Cart at Farm & Fleet Yearns for the Sweet Release of Death

ONALASKA, WIS — A grotesquely mangled shopping cart in the Blain’s Farm & Fleet parking lot is begging the company to put it out of its misery as it weakly groans “kill… me” over and over again after it suffered yet another smashing by a car. But store managers are refusing the cart’s request to be euthanized. 

The cart, a dedicated 30 year store veteran, has logged over 10,000 miles of hauling to and from the Farm and Fleet store and its parking lot. During its tenure, the cart has worn out all four wheels which has created both severe misalignment problems as well as an obnoxious high-pitched squeaking sound. Now pushing the cart feels more like rolling an oblong snowball full of air horns.  

“Those weren’t easy miles, mind you,” explained the cart as it lay crumpled and motionless on the east end of the parking lot, “people don’t go to Farm and Fleet to buy toilet paper and pillows. I’ve been hauling 50 pound bags of animal feed and 75 pound boxes of unassembled push lawn mowers. You have any idea how much a damn outdoor canopy tent weights? Apparently too much for you to carry!” 

If that were not challenging enough, the cart explained how 99.9% of customers will either ram him into the cart return pile or just leave him dangerously exposed in the parking lot. 

“Most customers who come here are driving their farm trucks,” the cart continued, “they don’t give a shit if they hit a stray cart. As a matter of fact, some of them do it on purpose for fun.”

The cart did acknowledge that being it is an older-model metal cart, it is supposed to last longer than the average cart. But even the best carts have their limits. 

“Those plastic carts give you what? Five? Ten years max?” added the cart, “I think I’ve earned my peace, but I know they’re just gonna get one of the warehouse guys to bend me back into a semi-functional shape for tomorrow’s opening, because guess what?!? 80 pound bags of chicken feed is on sale.” 

Now after the latest car mauling, the third and most severe of its arduous career, the cart is begging for Farm and Fleet managers to allow it to die peacefully in the metal recycle dumpster out back. 

“Just let me die, please,” begged the cart, “so I can go to heaven and be at peace where I can push humans around while they carry MY shit.” 

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.