Kwik Trip Acquires Soul Stone, Completing Effort to Wipe Out Half of All Known Competitors

LA CROSSE, WIS — After tearfully sacrificing a crisp $100 dollar bill, Kwik Trip CEO Don Zeitlow has collected the last of the Infinity Stones in an effort to wipe out nearly half of all gas station competition in the universe. All he needs to do now is merely snap his fingers.

Stop-N-Go Convenience Stores was one of few who tried – and failed – to stand in Zeitlow’s way.

“You have my respect, Stop-N-Go,” the gas titan said of his most recently vanquished foe. “When I’m done, half of all convenience stores will still be in business. I hope they remember you.”

Zeitlow – clad in armor made from disposed cheese nugget boxes, wielding the last of the six stones in his gauntlet made from Kwik Trip Rewards cards melted by the heat of a dying Kwik Star – reflected on his achievement with joy.

“Fun isn’t something one considers when monopolizing the gas station industry,” he said softly. “But this… does put a smile on my face.”

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.