La Crosse County GOP Disappointed to Learn They Are The La Crosse County GOP

LA CROSSE, WIS — In a surprising turn of events, the La Crosse County Republican Party has learned that a letter they deemed as “intended to damage our party and its reputation” was sent out by the La Crosse County Republican Party.

“I never saw this coming,” a party spokesman said. “The call was coming from inside the house, so to speak.”

Weeks prior, letters intended to recruit graduating area high school seniors were sent out branding Republicans as the party that “ran the underground railroad” while branding Democrats as opposing civil rights and comprising most of the KKK. The letter does not go into details regarding the political parties’ essential 180 degree shift under the Nixon and Reagan years, where “tough on crime” messages were often used by republicans as dog whistle politics to lure in America’s most racist voters.

Also included in the letter was a coupon for a free red hat that allows the general public to see one’s political viewpoints from a very long distance away.

Pictured: Letter intended to garner support of most progressive generation yet.

The La Crosse County Republican Party originally dismissed the letter entirely as a dirty political stunt, but new emails show that the letter was indeed sent by a member of their executive committee. That realization, they said, roiled them to their core.

“I truly didn’t know we believed such awful things,” the spokesman added. “I just feel so… so… violated.”

Pictured: Page 2, where they really bring it home to whomever is still reading

Local Democrats say they were just as shocked by the news, but for different reasons.

“It was really impressive, honestly,” former Jennifer Shilling staffer Holly Plasticfree said. “ I mean, they managed to have this whole situation roll ‘fake news’ with ‘but their emails’ into one magnificent exploding cigar.”

The La Crosse County Republicans now hope this discovery dies “a quick death” in the news cycle and pray to God no one tries googling “La Crosse GOP domestic abuse”.

La Crosse Times Staff contributed to this article.