La Crosse Man Diagnosed With Being A Stock Photo


LA CROSSE, WIS — A La Crosse man has been hospitalized this past weekend after he was diagnosed with being a stock photo. 

When Billy Rosewood woke up Saturday morning, he felt out of sorts. Not with a fever or a stomach bug, but he was already wearing a nice collared shirt and his hair was perfectly coiffed. 

“I didn’t know what was happening,” Rosewood explained, “everywhere I went I had a well-lit white canvas backdrop and perfectly photoshopped skin. I just felt… unnatural.”

At first, Rosewood played off his perfect appearance as “just having a good hair and skin day.” But later that evening the symptoms intensified.

“All of the sudden I had watermarks all over my body,” Rosewood continued. “That’s when I started to suspect I was becoming a stock photo.” 

Instead of panicking, Rosewood got into his car and drove himself to the emergency room where doctors confirmed the diagnosis. 

“Mr. Rosewood tested positive for Acute Stock Photo Syndrome (ASPS),” explained memeologist Dr. John Taggert. “It appears to be of the confused-look strain.”  

Because becoming a stock photo is highly contagious, Rosewood was immediately quarantined and those who came into contact with him were notified.  

“Though there is no current treatment of cure for Mr. Rosewood, his prognosis is good,” Taggert continued. “Mr. Rosewood is lucky to not be diagnosed with one of several more serious strains of ASPS including couple pointing at eachother, nun holding a gun, and frustrated businessman.”

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.