LA CROSSE, WIS — The La Crosse Fairgrounds Speedway is known for bringing the intensity on race days, but this summer the intensity will increase exponentially with the addition of the “Youth Referees Running Away From Crazy Sports Parents” race.
Speedway officials decided to make the addition to their summer race series after observing several local youth sporting events.
“I was at a youth soccer game when all of the sudden a group of parents ganged-up on the referee,” explained speedway official Mollusk Stoolsample. “I thought WOW! This is intense. People would pay good money to watch this.”
That’s when Stoolsample has added a number of racing series this summer. Because there are several different make/models of dysfunctional parents, the raceway has delineated specific groups:
- The helicopter protective parents screaming about safety race
- The late-model grandparents who were disappointed in their own kid’s athletic success and are secretly hoping that athleticism skips a generation race
- The semi-successful former athlete who just can’t let it go parent race
- The idealizing parent who thinks their kid’s shit don’t stink race
- The parents who yell because they have no idea what the rules are race
- The neglectful parents trying to pretend they care about their kid race
- The alcoholics race (will be raced in conjunction with the trailer race of destruction)
The racing series begins this weekend, kicking off with a special “dads who don’t know where to put all of their pent up quarantine aggression” race.
“Start your engines, race fans!” Stoolsample added. “Let’s go deflect feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing!”
Reporter Dr Jonathon H Dong contributed to this article.