LA CROSSE, WIS — The La Crosse Times was featured in a weekend column of rival news source La Crosse Tribune written by reporter Jourdan Vian. We’ve reviewed and analyzed the factual nature of the article and have given it a rating of: Pants On Fire, But They Were Wet, So Like, It Wasn’t As Bad As Expected.
Here in the Midwest, we only mock the things we love.
This is misleading. We also mock The Vikings and dieting, pretty sure we don’t love those.
Few know that better than Sam Shilts, one of the writers behind The La Crosse Times, a website and Facebook page he uses to poke fun at his chosen home.
Again, slightly misleading. Sam only uses The La Crosse Times for validation and to lash out when he gets a job application rejected again.
“I love this area. It’s just a great place to be,” he said.
For clarification, Sam loves La Crosse as a friend, nothing more. He likes hanging out, but he’s not really ready to settle yet, you know?
Inspired by The Onion, Clickhole and The Hard Times, the group created The La Crosse Times as a way to poke fun at local issues.
“The group” didn’t so much create The La Crosse Times as they were begged to be a part of Sam’s madness and acquiesced so he didn’t cry in public.
“Watching the “likes” roll in is kind of nice to see,” Shilts said, adding that likes are the internet’s version of laughing. “That’s a big part of why I do it personally,” he said.
This is unfortunately a perfect characterization of Sam’s insatiable need for attention, however it lacks context. Sam previously explained that the instant feedback from performing stand-up and sketch comedy is usually laughter and that the internet’s version of that comes in the form of likes, shares and comments and the occasional $100 dollar bill that you are totally cool to send if you really want to.
They’ve been working on the site since August and really went public with it Feb. 7 with a post called, “Climate Scientists Predict La Crosse to Become One Giant Kwik Trip By 2050.”
Quick piece of trivia, the site was meant to be launched on the weekend of December 6th, 2019, until it was discovered that Sam was managed out of and subsequently laid off from his job. As a result, he lost access to the Adobe Spark profile hosting all of the pre-made content which pushed back the release date by two months.
His other headlines include “‘Dukes of Hazzard Roundabout’ pretty bad name in hindsight: Onalaska officials” and “La Crosse School District purchases ED-309 for crossing guard duty.”
ED-209 is the killer robot mentioned in that particular article, masterfully written by Dr. Jonathon H. Dong. ED-309 is an experimental erectile dysfunction medication intended to give its users “super boners”. One of our reporters is currently testing it for an analysis at the time of this article. It will be released if he ever wakes up from his coma.
Shilts has a lot of fun on his own things as well.
There is no evidence to support this claim.
He also particularly enjoyed poking fun at La Crescent in the article, “Historic La Crescent tours canceled after discovering nothing interesting ever happened there.”
Added context, Sam’s reason for that is because apparently some of his former bosses were from La Crescent and never fucking shut up about it.
It was, dare I say, artfully written.
LOL, that’s a stretch.