Leader of “Re-Open America” Rally Believed to be 10 Trillion Coronaviruses in a Trenchcoat

MADISON, WIS — Several thousand people (0.00052% of the Wisconsin population, rounding up) showed up at the state capitol in Madison this past Sunday for the “Freedom Rally” to re-open Wisconsin businesses following Governor Ever’s extension of the stay-at-home order through May 26th. The organizer and de facto leader of the rally is speculated to be 10 trillion COVID-19 viruses camouflaged as a human. 

People became suspicious of the leader when he appeared to be actively obscuring his appearance by wearing an overcoat, sunglasses, and spy hat. The leader, who asked protestors to refer to him as “John Humanform” asked the protesting group to huddle together very closely and then let out several “patriotic coughs” so the governor could hear their message of strength. 

One protestor, Steve Watertown, momentarily contemplated the possibility that Humanform could be the COVID-19 virus in disguise, but he quickly dismissed the evidence directly in front of his face.

“I thought it might be 10 trillion coronaviruses in a trenchcoat,” asserted Watertown, “but then I realized that there is no way I am dumb enough to blindly follow a leader who could care less about my well-being and is only thinking about personal gain. No sir. Not me! I believe in FACTS like the FACT that there’s an emerging clandestine totalitarian world government organized and operating in the shadows.”

Watertown then discursively jumped from conspiracy theory to conspiracy theory never mentioning the possible disguised COVID-19 viruses leading the protest. 

“I feel like we need to come together and decide on something that benefits both sides, but also is exactly what I want right now,” said Watertown. “The government is supposed to work for us. It’s not supposed to control us.”

When asked if whether or not Watertown had explored any of the many of financial relief programs available through government programs, Watertown confidently marched away mid-incoherance screaming, “If you want communism, move to a different continent like China,” while pumping a sign that read Give Me Tranny, or Give Me Death.

Humanform refused to comment to The La Crosse Times as he was prepping for the Group Hug and Sneeze as a “sign of solidarity to show Evers who’s in charge.” 

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

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