Local Vulture Super Excited About Economy Reopening Prematurely

LA CROSSE, WIS — The prospect of fully reopening America’s economy despite health experts objections has one local scavenging bird of prey very happy about the future.

Franklin C. Smith, 5, is a turkey vulture who has lived and struggled to find food in the coulee region ever since he can remember.

“We can’t really get at any fish, that’s all usually taken up by the eagles,” Smith said. “Sometimes we’ll get lucky and find a deer, but that’s a lot more rare than you might think.”

Upon hearing the news that many humans across the US are now protesting and in some cases disobeying stay-at-home orders designed to protect against the spread of COVID-19, Smith said he felt much more at ease.

“This is going to be really good for us scavengers,” Smith said. “I’m just a bird, but even I know about how bad the coronavirus is. More bodies means I don’t have to search so damn hard just to get a meal, you know?”

Smith said should Wisconsin open its bars and restaurants on May 1st – as the Tavern League has demanded – he already knows where he will make camp.

“The top of the US Bank building overlooks a lot of 3rd street,” Smith said. “That’s a perfect place to start.”

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.