Man Succumbs to Another Day Internally Screaming “I DON’T WANT TO BOND WITH YOU!!” at Work

LA CROSSE, WIS — A local manufacturing employee has passively succumbed to yet another day of internal screaming and strife as his coworker continually misses blatant social cues.

Dan Schultz, 31, is a recent new employee at Muskrat Millworking LLC on the south side of La Crosse. He began working there as a temp hoping for some financial stability when he lost his job to COVID-19 related lockdowns.

“I’m lucky to have this job right now, I am,” Schultz said. “But, I just… like I don’t know how to say this without sounding like an asshole, but I hate everyone and everything when I am there, you know? Have you ever had a job like that?”

Schultz says every day, without fail, a coworker with very limited knowledge of the world or reality in general will begin telling him everything they think they know for six straight hours.

“It is like a middle school know-it-all grew a beard and barely learned how to use a belt sander,” Schultz said.

Just in the span of a day, Schultz learned about what governments “were really up to”, why certain movies are better than others to watch at night time, what a motel room costs for an entire month, and that it was possible to be a grandfather in your late twenties somehow.

“He just, volunteers everything, whether I look like I’m interested or not,” he said. “And I’ve tried it all! I’ve given short or one word replies, I’ve avoided eye contact, I walk slightly away just before I feel like he’s going to talk/spit again… I’ve done everything short of just screaming WHO FUCKING CARES BARRY!?!? NO ONE!!! Except I can’t do that, because then I’m the asshole!”

Schultz plans to continue working at Muskrat until another opportunity comes along like a different job or a fatal heart attack from holding in angry outbursts for too long.

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.