Mayan Calendar Predicted Cataclysmic Walmart Thanksgiving Day Closing

BENTONVILLE, ARK — The Mayan calendar, known for predicting the world ending every other week, has accurately forecast one of the worst things to ever happen to American consumers: Walmart will be closed on Thanksgiving Day this year.

Since its inception 58 years ago, Walmart has opened its stores during regular hours on Thanksgiving and roped off the parts devoted to Black Friday sales and merchandise until doorbuster sales kick off in the evening at 6 pm. These deals typically draw huge crowds to Walmart’s stores, and cause their employees to miss sacred family time. But due to the COVID-19 pandemic, Walmart has anticipated significantly lower than usual shoppers will shop in-store and made the call to close the store for the day. 

After the multinational retail corporation made the announcement this past Tuesday, historians and Walmart enthusiasts alike quickly pointed out that the Mayan calendar accurately predicted the Earth-shaking Thanksgiving closing.

“The calendar clearly states that the merciless god of retail shall give His minimum wage servants a single day of rest on a day that 99.99% of other people are resting,” interpreted Mayan historian and Walmart shopper Dr. Edward Cloaca. “It is on this day that workers shall give thanks to Walmart the Great and Powerful for all that it gives them.” 

Cloaca said the calendar clearly depicts an image of a would-be shopper holding a list of random objects including underwear, shotgun shells, watermelon, a black light, watch batteries, and a Loud Mouth Billy Bass. A combination that can only be purchased at Walmart. 

“This shopper clearly has a frowning face as the automatic doors refuse to open before him,” Cloaca continued, “as the servants are breaking their bonds and running free to be with their families for one full earth rotation before returning to servitude.”

Historians say this rare event will likely not happen again for another 58 years. 

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.