Mega Chain-Restaurant Battle Robot Emerges From Onalaska Construction Zone


ONALASKA, WIS — Early Saturday, a giant humanoid battle robot spontaneously emerged from the ground in the active construction zone at the corner of Highway 16 and S Kinney Coulee Road near Olive Garden. 

It has been reported by witnesses that the unearthed robot is an amalgam of several locally sought-after chain restaurants including Noodles & Company, Chick-Fil-A, Red Robin, Cracker Barrel, Cheesecake Factory, P.F. Changs, and Popeye’s Chicken. 

Once emerged, the mega robot of restaurant chains began a full-scale assault on nearby civilians. As people ran away screaming in both joy and terror, the mega battle robot (now referred to by many as “Mega Chain”) opened fire on the fleeing bystanders with average to below average food. 

“As I was running I heard a small explosion. That’s when I looked over my shoulder to see where the sound came from, and then all of the sudden a chicken strip shot into my mouth,” reported local shopper Strappley VonShoehorn. “It was meh. Not bad, but also not very good, like I’ve already had it a thousand times before. It had obviously been frozen. Quite disappointing.” 

Along with VonShoehorn, several other bystanders who were shopping in the Best Buy/Target area confirmed that their excitement was short-lived and quickly lost interest in the restaurants as shitty food was continuously shot into their agape mouths.  

“People seem to forget the Mega Chain robot scare of the early 2000s that we worked so hard to defeat,” commented anti-chain restaurant tactical expert Snort Boomfloobin. “We’ve defeated  TGIFridays, Perkins, Chi-Chi’s, and Hooters, and Applebees is dying a slow death.”

Bloomfloobin thought the Coulee Region was in the clear when Mega Chain appeared unexpectedly earlier today. That’s when he realized that the fight was futile because Mega Chain was summoned by the thoughtless cries of thousands of local hungry people. 

“Why do people beg for these?” a frustrated Boomfloobin continued. “They build a new building even though there are plenty of old buildings that could be renovated. They hire only a handful of people, pay them poorly, don’t offer any benefits, and work them to exhaustion. And the food is generally subpar and unhealthy. I just don’t get it. There are literally over a 100 locally owned restaurants in the La Crosse area.” 

The good news for the Coulee Region is that Mega Chain only has a 5-10 year life expectancy. 

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.