ONALASKA, WIS – On March 5th, Vice President Mike Pence will be in Onalaska at Stoney Creek Hotel and Conference Center to unveil his new Cheesus-Head Hat he obviously made himself.
Using a Wisconsin cheesehead hat as a foundation, it has been confirmed the former Indiana Governor Googled pictures of Jesus Christ, chose the whitest representations, printed, cut out and fastened them to the hat with Scotch tape.
“The Vice President is very proud of his creation,” said a White House spokesman, “He worked very hard on it for almost 15 minutes and hasn’t taken it off.”
Using government-issued safety scissors, a source who witnessed the holy-hat creation stated that the Vice President was very careful to stay on the line while cutting the images of Jesus out for fear that cutting Jesus’s face at all may be a mortal sin.
Once Pence completed his hat, he proudly held it above his head and shouted, “Look what I did! I’m gonna wear it forever!”
Pence plans to wear the sold-foam hat throughout his visit to Wisconsin despite a pungent smell starting to emanate due to his heinously sweaty scalp.
Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.