MOVIE REVIEW: Tango And Cash Sequel Sucks Major Ass

ST. LOUIS, MO — It’s been 31 years since we’ve last seen the buddy cop duo of Ray Tango (Sylvester Stallone) and Gabe Cash (Kurt Russell) bring down drug lord Yves Perret (Jack Palance). Well they’re back, and they’re older and more racist than ever in this direct sequel to the original film: Tango and Cash 2: Insecure Dickbags Of Justice. 

SPOILERS AHEAD!

We open on the 31 year anniversary of the events of the first movie where Perret framed rival Los Angeles narcotics police officers Tango and Cash for killing an FBI agent. Arrested and put in prison, the two cops formulate an escape plan and, once out, team up with Tango’s exotic dancer sister, Katherine (Teri Hatcher), and clear their records by taking down Perret once and for all. 

Unfortunately after 31 years, we see that four decades of extreme trauma and stress has mentally and physically taken its toll on the buddy cop duo. After being forced to retire because of their “shoot first, ask questions later” approach (and their comedic inability to use a computer at their advanced ages), the team relocates to St. Louis, Missouri and are posing as a married couple Mark and Patricia McCloskey, two personal-injury lawyers. Though they are “deep undercover,” the movie never establishes what they are trying to accomplish, who they are fighting against, or even who they are working for. They are just a couple of witty 70-year-old guys undercover posing as lawyers in a mansion with a lot of money and time on their hands.

Pictured: Tango (Stallone) left in pink polo and Cash (Russell) right with striped Beetlejuice shirt mean business.

After two hours of the former-cop duo playfully bickering with one another (classic Tango and Cash), a shred of action kicks in. At first, I thought, “Here we go! A conflict. Something is actually happening.” But all it turned out to be was a group of peaceful Black Lives Matters Protesters marching by the mansion on their way to St. Louis mayor Lyda Krewson’s house to protest her releasing personal information to the public about individual protestors. This is where Tango and Cash spring into action… kind of. At 70, there’s less “springing” and more “angrily stumbling and bumbling.”

Seeing the protestors marching by the mansion, the heinously bored and extremely anxious former cops grab their guns they’ve been itching to use since they bought them, confidently march outside, and begin attempting to intimidate the protestors under the guise of “protecting our home.” 

This part really threw me for a loop because the protestors were literally just walking by the mansion on the sidewalk. That’s all. Yet geriatric Tango And Cash decide to point their guns at the people and sweeping the barrels back and forth while threatening them. At one point, a barefoot Patricia (Cash) crosses the lawn and stumbles briefly while she has her gun aimed at protesters (not classic Tango and Cash). This is the only action scene of the entire movie – a far cry from the chase sequences of the original like the epic swinging from electrical wires in torrential rain. 

That’s how the movie ends. Usually action movies you want to see some gunplay, but in this case I was incredibly happy there was none. Just a couple of dopey dipshits showing off their expensive guns to people trying to peacefully change systemic racism. 

It is unclear what prompted them to grab their guns and pop out front, shoeless but armed, to confront nonviolent protesters, but it is clear that this movie sucked from the get go. What possessed them to make this sequel is beyond me as the original was relatively forgettable to begin with. 

0 of 5 stars. Do not recommend. 

Reporter and cinephile Dr. Jonathan H.Dong contributed to this article.

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