National News BREAKING: The Table Leg You Stubbed Your Toe On Was Actually ANTIFA In Disguise Tips For Redecorating Your Senator’s House on a Budget of $600 Dollars Televangelist Pat Robertson’s Head Descends Another 8 Inches Toward Hell Fatalist Looking Forward to 2021 Sucking Differently Arm Hypocrite Scott Stapp Promotes Arms Wide Open, Doesn’t Hold Self to Same Standard “It’s Not The Size, It’s How You Use It!” Says Economic Stimulus With Incredibly Small Package Tear-Strewn COVID-19 Alleges Toxic Infection Experience with Ellen DeGeneres Man Asks Supreme Court to Overturn His Wife’s Purchase of “A Bad Moms Christmas” New Stimulus Plan to Only Give Out One Politician-Themed Funko Pop Per Household Dave Grohl Begins Holiday Season with Lighting of Krist(mas) Novoselic Tree Trump Smashes N64 Before Blue Shell Can Derail His Lead Justice Brett Kavanaugh is Rushed to Hospital to Gawk at Cute Nurse All Seven Melanias Ask Trump To Concede Biden Builds New White House, Starts “Truman Show” for Oblivious Trump in Old One Thanksgiving Tests Positive for Being a Total Fucking Nightmare This Year Pfizer: Coronavirus Vaccine 90% Effective at Starting Conspiracy Theories Nation Heaves Sigh of Relief After Taking 244 Pound Dump Biden and Harris Awarded Free Out-of-Control Dumpster Fire for Winning White House Pennsylvania Ballot Quietly Whispers “Fuck Your Feelings” Into Angry MAGA Ears Ghost of John McCain Gives Thumbs Up Over Arizona Sunset as He Slowly Fades Away “Poll Watching” Fastest Growing Fetish on PornHub BOP Magazine Endorses Biden; Locks Up 90’s Teen Slumber Party Demographic Democrats Optimistic Exact Same Strategy That Didn’t Work Before Works Now John Bolton Writes In “My Mustache” for President “DON’T WORRY!” – Dems Preparing Several “Epic Clap Backs” for Potential Far-Right Coup Brett Favre Sends Out Dick Pick LinkedIn and Adobe Merging to Send Neverending Cavalcade of Emails and Updates Mitch McConnell Gets a Jump Start on Burning In Hell Forever NASA Denounces Moon Undecided Voter Struggling to Decide Whether to Eat Side of Fries, or a Live Hedgehog Pope Endorses Owning A Blow-Up Jesus Doll Nation’s Libertarians Prepare for Another 4 Years of Slumber Presidential Town Halls Delivered Entirely Via Fart Noises Coney Barrett’s Alleged Familiarity with Creepy Robes “a Plus”, says Judiciary LeBron James Wins 4th Championship; Thanks Teammates for Not Getting in His Way BREAKING: Nature Photo Still Lacking Philosophically Dubious Quote Study: 70% of Married Men’s Waking Lives Consists of Hauling Stuff Terro Releasing New Vice President Fly Paper Ocean’s 13 Re-make Stars an All Domestic Terrorist Cast Pestilence Costume Causes a Stir for VP Pence BREAKING: Coworker Anxiously Figuring Out Best Time and Place to Take a Dump at Work VP Debate Stage Very Confident About Coronavirus’s Ability to Get Around Corners COVID-19 Tests Positive for Stephen Miller Department of Holidays Cancels Halloween Johnson Investigating Whether COVID Nasal Swab Was Really Hunter Biden in Disguise BREAKING: Local Man Tests Positive for NO SYMPATHY-45 Hand Injuries Skyrocket as Entire Nation Violently Crosses Its Fingers Next Presidential Debate to Adopt “Fuck, Marry, Kill” Format First In-Person Kindergarten Classes Going Terribly Trump Charging Oddly Specific $421 Million Speaking Fee for Saturday La Crosse Visit Guy Bets That Driveway He Just Passed “Probably Sucks in the Winter Time, Right?” BREAKING: Bombshell Report Shows Trump Paid Normal Amount of Rich Person Taxes Election Reveal Party Sets Fire to Entire United States Obviously Divorced Man Seeking Companions Divorced From Politics SUPREME COURT VACANCY: Who Are Trump’s Likely Nominees? Man’s Belief System Completely Altered After Having Political Yard Sign Stolen Covid Temp Screener Silently Saying “Pew! Pew!” to Himself During Every Reading Biden Changes Image to Appeal to Undecided Right-Leaning Voters “Survivor: Coronavirus” Season Cancelled Old Man Coming to Terms With His Only Legacy Being Some Dumb Kid’s Middle Name Reynolds Insists You Eat This Cricket She Found or She’ll Read Your Secret Diary to All of Iowa Man Dying of “All-Star Poisoning” He Got at Smash Mouth Concert in Sturgis BREAKING: Scientists Have Found The Sun’s Butthole Pence Proposes Using Power of Prayer for Alternative Energy: “Just Like that Potato Science Experiment” Fearless Inspector Biden Arrives in Kenosha, Looking for Clues to Trump’s Whereabouts DWTS: Team Baskin to Re-Create Iconic Flashdance Scene with Sardine Oil Surly Brewing Announces Their Answer to Ale Asylum’s “F*ck COVID” Beer Former Redskins Change Mascot to Historically Accurate “Mangled Leg Injury” Teachers Going Through Back To School “You’re So F*cked!” Training Session We Fed a Fact-Checking Bot 1000 Hours of Trump Speeches and Now It Uses a Lot of EAP RNC Night 3: Who are the Convention Speakers? TikTok to Sue Over Ban As Soon As They Find the Right Team of Dancing Lawyers Lori Loughlin Sentenced to Two More Seasons of Full House Jim Carrey Calls for a Nationwide The Mask Mandate RECALL ALERT: Mailboxes Removed Amid Concerns That They May Cause Democracy Trump Asks Supreme Court to Strike Down Public Opinion of Him Responding to “Coke with Coffee”, PepsiCo Releases “Crystal Meth Pepsi” Share this:Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)Click to share on Reddit (Opens in new window)Click to email this to a friend (Opens in new window)Click to share on Tumblr (Opens in new window)
