National News

BREAKING: The Table Leg You Stubbed Your Toe On Was Actually ANTIFA In Disguise

Tips For Redecorating Your Senator’s House on a Budget of $600 Dollars

Televangelist Pat Robertson’s Head Descends Another 8 Inches Toward Hell

Fatalist Looking Forward to 2021 Sucking Differently

Arm Hypocrite Scott Stapp Promotes Arms Wide Open, Doesn’t Hold Self to Same Standard

“It’s Not The Size, It’s How You Use It!” Says Economic Stimulus With Incredibly Small Package

Tear-Strewn COVID-19 Alleges Toxic Infection Experience with Ellen DeGeneres

Man Asks Supreme Court to Overturn His Wife’s Purchase of “A Bad Moms Christmas”

New Stimulus Plan to Only Give Out One Politician-Themed Funko Pop Per Household

Dave Grohl Begins Holiday Season with Lighting of Krist(mas) Novoselic Tree

All Seven Melanias Ask Trump To Concede

Biden Builds New White House, Starts “Truman Show” for Oblivious Trump in Old One

Thanksgiving Tests Positive for Being a Total Fucking Nightmare This Year

Pfizer: Coronavirus Vaccine 90% Effective at Starting Conspiracy Theories

Nation Heaves Sigh of Relief After Taking 244 Pound Dump

Pennsylvania Ballot Quietly Whispers “Fuck Your Feelings” Into Angry MAGA Ears

Ghost of John McCain Gives Thumbs Up Over Arizona Sunset as He Slowly Fades Away

“Poll Watching” Fastest Growing Fetish on PornHub

BOP Magazine Endorses Biden; Locks Up 90’s Teen Slumber Party Demographic

LinkedIn and Adobe Merging to Send Neverending Cavalcade of Emails and Updates

NASA Denounces Moon

Undecided Voter Struggling to Decide Whether to Eat Side of Fries, or a Live Hedgehog

Pope Endorses Owning A Blow-Up Jesus Doll

Nation’s Libertarians Prepare for Another 4 Years of Slumber

BREAKING: Nature Photo Still Lacking Philosophically Dubious Quote

Study: 70% of Married Men’s Waking Lives Consists of Hauling Stuff

BREAKING: Coworker Anxiously Figuring Out Best Time and Place to Take a Dump at Work

Department of Holidays Cancels Halloween

BREAKING: Local Man Tests Positive for NO SYMPATHY-45

Hand Injuries Skyrocket as Entire Nation Violently Crosses Its Fingers

Guy Bets That Driveway He Just Passed “Probably Sucks in the Winter Time, Right?”

Election Reveal Party Sets Fire to Entire United States

Obviously Divorced Man Seeking Companions Divorced From Politics

Man’s Belief System Completely Altered After Having Political Yard Sign Stolen

“Survivor: Coronavirus” Season Cancelled

Old Man Coming to Terms With His Only Legacy Being Some Dumb Kid’s Middle Name

Man Dying of “All-Star Poisoning” He Got at Smash Mouth Concert in Sturgis

BREAKING: Scientists Have Found The Sun’s Butthole

Pence Proposes Using Power of Prayer for Alternative Energy: “Just Like that Potato Science Experiment”

DWTS: Team Baskin to Re-Create Iconic Flashdance Scene with Sardine Oil

Surly Brewing Announces Their Answer to Ale Asylum’s “F*ck COVID” Beer

Teachers Going Through Back To School “You’re So F*cked!” Training Session

TikTok to Sue Over Ban As Soon As They Find the Right Team of Dancing Lawyers

RECALL ALERT: Mailboxes Removed Amid Concerns That They May Cause Democracy

Responding to “Coke with Coffee”, PepsiCo Releases “Crystal Meth Pepsi”