National News BREAKING: The Table Leg You Stubbed Your Toe On Was Actually ANTIFA In Disguise Tips For Redecorating Your Senator’s House on a Budget of $600 Dollars Televangelist Pat Robertson’s Head Descends Another 8 Inches Toward Hell Fatalist Looking Forward to 2021 Sucking Differently Arm Hypocrite Scott Stapp Promotes Arms Wide Open, Doesn’t Hold Self to Same Standard “It’s Not The Size, It’s How You Use It!” Says Economic Stimulus With Incredibly Small Package Tear-Strewn COVID-19 Alleges Toxic Infection Experience with Ellen DeGeneres Man Asks Supreme Court to Overturn His Wife’s Purchase of “A Bad Moms Christmas” New Stimulus Plan to Only Give Out One Politician-Themed Funko Pop Per Household Dave Grohl Begins Holiday Season with Lighting of Krist(mas) Novoselic Tree All Seven Melanias Ask Trump To Concede Biden Builds New White House, Starts “Truman Show” for Oblivious Trump in Old One Thanksgiving Tests Positive for Being a Total Fucking Nightmare This Year Pfizer: Coronavirus Vaccine 90% Effective at Starting Conspiracy Theories Nation Heaves Sigh of Relief After Taking 244 Pound Dump Pennsylvania Ballot Quietly Whispers “Fuck Your Feelings” Into Angry MAGA Ears Ghost of John McCain Gives Thumbs Up Over Arizona Sunset as He Slowly Fades Away “Poll Watching” Fastest Growing Fetish on PornHub BOP Magazine Endorses Biden; Locks Up 90’s Teen Slumber Party Demographic LinkedIn and Adobe Merging to Send Neverending Cavalcade of Emails and Updates NASA Denounces Moon Undecided Voter Struggling to Decide Whether to Eat Side of Fries, or a Live Hedgehog Pope Endorses Owning A Blow-Up Jesus Doll Nation’s Libertarians Prepare for Another 4 Years of Slumber BREAKING: Nature Photo Still Lacking Philosophically Dubious Quote Study: 70% of Married Men’s Waking Lives Consists of Hauling Stuff BREAKING: Coworker Anxiously Figuring Out Best Time and Place to Take a Dump at Work Department of Holidays Cancels Halloween BREAKING: Local Man Tests Positive for NO SYMPATHY-45 Hand Injuries Skyrocket as Entire Nation Violently Crosses Its Fingers Guy Bets That Driveway He Just Passed “Probably Sucks in the Winter Time, Right?” Election Reveal Party Sets Fire to Entire United States Obviously Divorced Man Seeking Companions Divorced From Politics Man’s Belief System Completely Altered After Having Political Yard Sign Stolen “Survivor: Coronavirus” Season Cancelled Old Man Coming to Terms With His Only Legacy Being Some Dumb Kid’s Middle Name Man Dying of “All-Star Poisoning” He Got at Smash Mouth Concert in Sturgis BREAKING: Scientists Have Found The Sun’s Butthole Pence Proposes Using Power of Prayer for Alternative Energy: “Just Like that Potato Science Experiment” DWTS: Team Baskin to Re-Create Iconic Flashdance Scene with Sardine Oil Surly Brewing Announces Their Answer to Ale Asylum’s “F*ck COVID” Beer Teachers Going Through Back To School “You’re So F*cked!” Training Session TikTok to Sue Over Ban As Soon As They Find the Right Team of Dancing Lawyers RECALL ALERT: Mailboxes Removed Amid Concerns That They May Cause Democracy Responding to “Coke with Coffee”, PepsiCo Releases “Crystal Meth Pepsi” Share this:Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)Click to share on Reddit (Opens in new window)Click to email this to a friend (Opens in new window)Click to share on Tumblr (Opens in new window)
