National News

Trump Smashes N64 Before Blue Shell Can Derail His Lead

Justice Brett Kavanaugh is Rushed to Hospital to Gawk at Cute Nurse

All Seven Melanias Ask Trump To Concede

Biden Builds New White House, Starts “Truman Show” for Oblivious Trump in Old One

Thanksgiving Tests Positive for Being a Total Fucking Nightmare This Year

Pfizer: Coronavirus Vaccine 90% Effective at Starting Conspiracy Theories

Nation Heaves Sigh of Relief After Taking 244 Pound Dump

Biden and Harris Awarded Free Out-of-Control Dumpster Fire for Winning White House

Pennsylvania Ballot Quietly Whispers “Fuck Your Feelings” Into Angry MAGA Ears

Ghost of John McCain Gives Thumbs Up Over Arizona Sunset as He Slowly Fades Away

“Poll Watching” Fastest Growing Fetish on PornHub

BOP Magazine Endorses Biden; Locks Up 90’s Teen Slumber Party Demographic

Democrats Optimistic Exact Same Strategy That Didn’t Work Before Works Now

John Bolton Writes In “My Mustache” for President

“DON’T WORRY!” – Dems Preparing Several “Epic Clap Backs” for Potential Far-Right Coup

Brett Favre Sends Out Dick Pick

LinkedIn and Adobe Merging to Send Neverending Cavalcade of Emails and Updates

Mitch McConnell Gets a Jump Start on Burning In Hell Forever

NASA Denounces Moon

Undecided Voter Struggling to Decide Whether to Eat Side of Fries, or a Live Hedgehog

Pope Endorses Owning A Blow-Up Jesus Doll

Nation’s Libertarians Prepare for Another 4 Years of Slumber

Presidential Town Halls Delivered Entirely Via Fart Noises

Coney Barrett’s Alleged Familiarity with Creepy Robes “a Plus”, says Judiciary

LeBron James Wins 4th Championship; Thanks Teammates for Not Getting in His Way

BREAKING: Nature Photo Still Lacking Philosophically Dubious Quote

Study: 70% of Married Men’s Waking Lives Consists of Hauling Stuff

Terro Releasing New Vice President Fly Paper

Ocean’s 13 Re-make Stars an All Domestic Terrorist Cast

Pestilence Costume Causes a Stir for VP Pence

BREAKING: Coworker Anxiously Figuring Out Best Time and Place to Take a Dump at Work

VP Debate Stage Very Confident About Coronavirus’s Ability to Get Around Corners

COVID-19 Tests Positive for Stephen Miller

Department of Holidays Cancels Halloween

Johnson Investigating Whether COVID Nasal Swab Was Really Hunter Biden in Disguise

BREAKING: Local Man Tests Positive for NO SYMPATHY-45

Hand Injuries Skyrocket as Entire Nation Violently Crosses Its Fingers

Next Presidential Debate to Adopt “Fuck, Marry, Kill” Format

First In-Person Kindergarten Classes Going Terribly

Trump Charging Oddly Specific $421 Million Speaking Fee for Saturday La Crosse Visit

Guy Bets That Driveway He Just Passed “Probably Sucks in the Winter Time, Right?”

BREAKING: Bombshell Report Shows Trump Paid Normal Amount of Rich Person Taxes

Election Reveal Party Sets Fire to Entire United States

Obviously Divorced Man Seeking Companions Divorced From Politics

SUPREME COURT VACANCY: Who Are Trump’s Likely Nominees?

Man’s Belief System Completely Altered After Having Political Yard Sign Stolen

Covid Temp Screener Silently Saying “Pew! Pew!” to Himself During Every Reading

Biden Changes Image to Appeal to Undecided Right-Leaning Voters

“Survivor: Coronavirus” Season Cancelled

Old Man Coming to Terms With His Only Legacy Being Some Dumb Kid’s Middle Name

Reynolds Insists You Eat This Cricket She Found or She’ll Read Your Secret Diary to All of Iowa

Man Dying of “All-Star Poisoning” He Got at Smash Mouth Concert in Sturgis

BREAKING: Scientists Have Found The Sun’s Butthole

Pence Proposes Using Power of Prayer for Alternative Energy: “Just Like that Potato Science Experiment”

Fearless Inspector Biden Arrives in Kenosha, Looking for Clues to Trump’s Whereabouts

DWTS: Team Baskin to Re-Create Iconic Flashdance Scene with Sardine Oil

Surly Brewing Announces Their Answer to Ale Asylum’s “F*ck COVID” Beer

Former Redskins Change Mascot to Historically Accurate “Mangled Leg Injury”

Teachers Going Through Back To School “You’re So F*cked!” Training Session

We Fed a Fact-Checking Bot 1000 Hours of Trump Speeches and Now It Uses a Lot of EAP

RNC Night 3: Who are the Convention Speakers?

TikTok to Sue Over Ban As Soon As They Find the Right Team of Dancing Lawyers

Lori Loughlin Sentenced to Two More Seasons of Full House

Jim Carrey Calls for a Nationwide The Mask Mandate

RECALL ALERT: Mailboxes Removed Amid Concerns That They May Cause Democracy

Trump Asks Supreme Court to Strike Down Public Opinion of Him

Responding to “Coke with Coffee”, PepsiCo Releases “Crystal Meth Pepsi”