LA CROSSE, WIS — As it turns out, La Crosse’s newest judge is not exactly what he seemed.
Monday morning, bailiffs removed newly elected La Crosse County Judge Donald Fischer in handcuffs after it was discovered he was an imposter in robes and a mustache bought at Party City. Video shows bailiffs removing the fake mustache and robes to reveal a man identified as Ronald Tischer, a former police chief believed to have taken another job in Arizona.
“Chief Tischer!? Is that really you??” one bailiff asked in the video.
“Yes! And I would have gotten away with too if it wasn’t for you meddling KIDS!” Tischer said.
The former La Crosse Chief of Police shared a common desire with many others in the department to pass their own judgements in courts of law, often turning to social media to berate sitting judges for their decisions. Authorities believe this may have played into Tischer’s motive in impersonating a judge.
Under his persona of “Deadeye Donald Fischer”, he ran a somewhat unorthodox tough-on-drugs election campaign, promising to “Fuck the drug problem into a coma”.
“I still can’t get those commercials out of my head,” one resident said while tightly clutching a crushed paper coffee cup and avoiding eye contact.
Eyewitnesses in the courtroom said Tischer’s arrest happened just as he was about to deliver a “One billion fuh-gillion” year sentence to a man convicted of thinking about purchasing a marijuana bumper sticker one time.
“Now that I think about it, that seems a little bit harsh,” eyewitness Carol Beamish said.
The void at the bench left by Tischer’s arrest remains to be filled. Rumored front runners include District Attorney Tim Gruenke and relative newcomer Throb Sabraham.
Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.