New COVID Cases “Probably From All Them Protesters!” Says Man in Packed Bar for 19th Day in a Row

LA CROSSE, WIS — After the county saw new COVID-19 cases daily since early June, one La Crosse man is sure he knows who is to blame.

“It’s the damn protesters marching around!” shouted 28 year old Maddox Abernathy from his stool in between 30 other patrons at the bar of a local craft brewery. “Their recklessness is going to get someone sick or killed!”

Despite the trend of the new cases appearing in young (almost exclusively in their 20s) patients, the La Crosse County Health Department stressed that more investigation is necessary to be sure, while also screaming “It’s the bars, dummies!” with their eyes.

“We are still following up on contact tracing to determine for certain what the common thread among the new cases is,” county health educator Tawny Zanthropop said. “For now, we’re just asking the public to exercise extreme caution when going out… you know, especially to a certain street…? To get bombed four nights a week…? Get it…?”

Abernathy says despite the health department’s not-so-subtle hint, he remains convinced that racial justice advocates are to blame instead of the area college population’s insatiable need for consuming alcohol in groups.

“Well, I don’t feel sick, for starters,” Abernathy bellowed from behind no mask. “Plus, what are we supposed to do, not sit six inches from 30 to 50 other people loudly yell-talking and scream-singing Sweet Caroline for five hours? Come on, be reasonable.”

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.