New Graduate Impresses Potential Employers With Skills in Scrubbing Social Media History

LA CROSSE, WIS — A recent communications graduate from Viterbo is impressing potential employers with her speed, focus, and determination in the art of social media history scrubbing. 

Gone are the days for college students where the events of the previous night are only broken pieces of depravity lost in the recesses of drunken memories. With the advent and rise of social media, students now carry with them an indestructible black box [ie: flight recorder] that tracks their every move for the world to see. 

This, in turn, has created a new marketable job skill employers are seeking out: personal social media scrubbing. Recent graduate Treble Flickyflicky knew the day would come when her developed scroll-delete skills would come in handy.  

“I’ve been practicing and preparing for quite a while now by getting dressed up, sitting in front of a mirror, and deleting old posts,” Flickyflicky explained. “Some weekends I would go out and take a picture of everything just so I would have content to practice deleting.” 

Ultimately, the goal of students is to not suspiciously delete accounts or all records of their social media past. Rather, the art of social media scrubbing is about retaining a form of digital stamp that both appears authentic and falsely wholesome. It’s a skill future employers hope to take advantage of.  

“We honestly don’t care what they did in college,” commented local businessman Dungaroo Hawkeye. “I just want the person to make it easy for me to ignore a sketchy past so I can play the naive card if and when  anything damning were to ever manifest in the public.” 

Unfortunately many graduates have not taken the social-media cleansing as seriously as Flickyflicky, and resort to unbusiness-like behaviors such as “being honest” and “taking responsibility.” 

Reporter Dr. Jonathon H Dong contributed to this article.