OPINION: This Is The Worst Children Of The Corn Reboot Ever

ONALASKA, WIS — Well somebody has got to say it. COVID-19 is on track to decimate the world’s economy and much of its population with the exception of spring breakers who are young enough to be left holding the bag. 


I gotta admit, I wasn’t very scared of the virus on a personal level until reports started showing that about 20-30% of severe cases were among the 20 to 44 age group. Pile that on top of the fact that at least 50% of people will need ventilators that we won’t have in time, we’re left with a nightmare scenario of the world being run by the same people who would apparently swallow the entire beer bottle if it didn’t get too big in the middle to do so.

I get it. I was young once too, and I can’t say for certain I wouldn’t still make the asinine decision to party with a bunch of other morons despite there being the worst pandemic in 100 years. But come on, man… how serious does this need to get before you realize you can just drink at your stupid dingy apartments?

I guess this is what it took to break me. I see how the generations above me act and I see the profoundly stupid things they believe and how they treat generations below them and I think to myself, “I’m never going to be like that.” But, screw it, I have to be now: How can you be stupid enough to potentially spread a disease that will kill everyone who knows how to do your taxes, or how the food supply works, or how to fix your sink when you accidentally vomit too much White Claw and Tequila mixed with Taco Bell and it clogs the shit out of it?

We are headed towards a quasi Stephan King remake that no one asked for: A world run by children who got one policy stance right in 2018 and then decided to squander their reputations by being dangerous idiots over and over again.

I’m sorry this article isn’t funny, but neither is how Gen-Z chose to exacerbate this problem. I’m angry because despite how much I hate Baby Boomers and Gen-Xers sometimes, they are still human beings at a major risk of dying from COVID-19, and I still have love for these human beings. You should too.

Long story, short: get wrecked. You are literally the worst.

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.