Pence Visits Onalaska Farm to Push Cow-Conversion Therapy

ONALASKA, WIS — Vice President Mike Pence visited an Onalaska dairy farm Friday recognizing the continued financial struggles of one of America’s oldest industries. Luckily Pence did not come empty handed as he milked an idea that he believes will help dairy farmers through their plight: cow-conversion therapy or “Cow-version” therapy as Pence called it. 

Conversion therapy is a practice aimed at changing an individual’s sexual orientation or gender identity. Simply put, it aims to transform gays and lesbians into heterosexuals, which Pence supported funding for as Governor of Indiana. But after Pence’s declaration in Onalaska on Friday, it has now become clear that Pence fully supports the conversion of anything to something else that it is not. 

“I know times are hard right now, but the answer to dairy farmers’ problems is quite simple,” explained Pence with a look of complete absent-minded confidence. “If you do not want the cows to be cows anymore, just turn them into chickens. Done.” 

Pence, who said he felt “right at home” on the farm despite growing up in the middle of a large city to parents of gas station owners, took the crowd’s mouth agape silence as a sign of support.   

Pence explained his thinking before the stunned audience about the benefits of converting cows into other farm animals by a process that includes a combination of shaming, ridicule, electroshock, and copious amounts of makeup.

“You turn that cow into a big chicken and BAM! You have yourself some giant eggs,” Pence continued. “Those things will be the size of basketballs! One cow-chicken basketball egg could feed at least six people.”

The La Crosse Times fact checked Pence’s claim and found it to be false. A basketball-sized egg could only feed only one Wisconsin farmer after a hard day’s work, but a chicken strip from said cow would theoretically be the size of a small garbage can, which could feed up to two farmers with a large helping of hash browns. 

Pence confidently continued with his christian-based science theories. 

“You don’t like chickens? That’s fine. Check this out: have the cows convert into pigs. BAM!” shouted Pence with a pantomimed mic-drop. “Think about slices of bacon the SIZE OF YOUR DARN LEG! Pardon my language.”  

Like most Pence-proposed programs, he offered no funding or usable resources for the farmers to make the impossible animal species conversions, but still exited the struggling farm in his $500,000 motorcade by shouting, “You’re welcome.”

Pence then set off to visit a hospital in Ripon, Wisconsin where he plans to unveil his “Be Not Sick” conversion therapy idea. 

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

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