UNITED STATES — As the Neowise comet made its closest approach to Earth this past Thursday, it garnered the attention of skywatchers around the globe. A recent poll showed that 99% of people wish the comet was hurtling toward Earth to destroy all of humankind.
“We are just the worst,” said full time human Skiddy Markinson. “It would be nice if we could catch a break for once and just be vaporized quickly.”
Markinson then rattled off a tangential list of several reasons the human species should be completely wiped out including climate change, human trafficking, sport hunting animals to extinction, billionaires, homophobes, white supremacists, Tiger King, wrinkle creams, The Gap, Jason Aldean and Indiana Jones 4.
“Holy fuck. We can’t even get people to wear masks when there is a goddamn pandemic,” Markinson shouted in frustration. “You know why they don’t want to wear them? BECAUSE THEY’RE BEING ASKING TO WEAR THEM! How messed up is that?”
With Neowise measuring in at just over three miles in diameter and traveling at a mind-blowing 144,000 miles per hour, it could easily finish the job we have already started. Yet the size would still allow for some avian and underground creatures to survive and inherit the earth.
Unfortunately the apocalypse will have to wait as Neowise will not even be within sniffing distance as it was 64.3 million miles away Thursday night at its closest.
But even the statistical impossibility is not stopping Markinson along with legions of others who are trying to devise a Lex Luthorian-type plan to alter the comet’s trajectory to ensure a collision with Earth.
“I’m fully supporting a gigantic electromagnet to pull the comet toward us,” Markinson added, “but I’ve heard rumblings about attaching giant rockets to the planet and pushing the Earth into the comet’s path.”
Regardless of how it happens, Markinson just wants it to happen.
“All I want is an apocalypse,” Markinson concluded, “is that too much for a guy who lives on this shithole planet to ask?”
Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.