Phil Woodman Using Hiked Pants as a Mask

JANESVILLE, WIS — Phil Woodman, chairman of Woodman’s markets and star of the most grossly Midwestern commercials in recorded history, has yet again found a way for you to save money. Woodman has invented a new and affordable alternative for his employees and customers who do not want to wear a traditional mask: by hiking their pants up over their face like he does. 

Woodman has made a name for himself for both maintaining low food prices in his stores and for hiking his pants all the way up to his tits. Throughout the pandemic, Woodman has shown countless gestures of generosity and caring for both his customers and his employees, so it comes as no surprise that he would invent a masking method that would save people money. 

“I was pulling up my pants last week, and I thought to myself about how I could easily pull [the pants] up over my own head,” Woodman explained. “That’s when I realized everyone could be doing this and save-save-save money on masks!” 

Woodman then started the “pants-mask movement” where he mandated all Woodman’s employees to wear their pants up over their face as a mask. The transition was not as smooth as Woodman had anticipated. 

“I couldn’t believe how few people could hike their pants up over their faces,” Woodman added. “I’m always having to pull my pants down because they keep creeping up over my face on their own.” 

But after a bulk purchase of some used sweatpants from a big and tall store, all Woodman’s employees are now able to fully engulf their bodies in the protective cocoon of their own pants. The only downside Woodman has heard from employees is the creation of a dutch oven situation. 

“Employees have mentioned something about wafting in their own ass and crotch smell,” Woodman added, “but that’s their problem because weeeeeeeeeeeeeee’re employee owned!” 

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.