LA CROSSE, WIS — Pier 1, who recently declared chapter 11 bankruptcy, has decided to give their loyal employees a parting gift – a vanilla-scented, wicker-woven pink slip.
The pink slip, valued by the store at $257.99, was presented to each individually by management. As each employee received their beautifully hand-woven termination gift, management performed a ceremonial extinguishing of the white jasmine filled 3-wick candle, also valued by the store at $158.99.
“It’s still a shock to us,” lamented La Crosse Pier 1 store manager Galvin Stainsniff. “It seems like just yesterday the store was filled with people happily buying 3’x5’ Magnolia lotus blue throw rugs for $199.90 or decorative bookends for $232.87. It’s like they were scared off by something.”
As for Stainsniff, all store managers will have the honor of being wrapped in a wicker sarcophagus and entombed in the abandoned stores for all eternity.
“You don’t work here unless you absolutely love wicker,” Stainsniff added, “and I will gladly sacrifice myself to appease the wicker gods.”
Reporter Dr. Jonathon H. Dong contributed to this article.