Polar Plunge Raises Unnecessary Awareness That Winter Here Sucks Balls


LA CROSSE, WIS — The 2020 Polar Plunge not only raised an immense amount of money for Special Olympics athletes, it also bolstered awareness that living the winter months in the La Crosse area suck major balls. 

The premier annual winter event held at the Black River Beach collects donations from people around the area to sponsor some local maniac who is willing to risk hypothermia for our entertainment. But with water temperatures hovering right around freezing, it’s no wonder people are reminded of how incredibly awful winter is in western Wisconsin. 

“Once I hit the water it was like a shock of self-realization flooded into my brain,” said plunger Splinter VonDewrag. “I haven’t been outside for more than a couple minutes since probably October.”

It was at that precise moment that VonDewrag started his annual questioning of why he continues to live in an area where you are predominantly confined to indoors 5-6 months out of the year.

“If I jumped in my car and drove eight hours into southern Illinois, they literally get a third of the snow for half the time,” VonDewrag added. “Why do I still live here?!?” 

VonDewrag then expressed his concern about “crazy people” who try to tell him how much they love winters. He then listed all the cognitive distortions that justify continued living here even though there are plenty of places he could be happy with better weather.

“It’s a nice community. I mean you got the bluffs and the river here,” VonDewrag added. “The only thing that sucks more balls than winter is moving away and starting over. No thanks.”

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed this article.