Police Looking for 20,000+ Suspects in Beating of 3:00AM Fireworks Guy

LA CROSSE, WIS — La Crosse Police are on the lookout for tens of thousands of suspects in what they are calling the “largest beat down they have ever seen in department history”.

“It’s not just lucky, but it is downright incredible that the victim is still alive,” officer Karpets Tugo said.

Approximately 4:23 AM Monday, police responded to an emergency call from a man claiming that the “entire town just beat the shit out of him”. Responding officers said they found 36 year old Gary Flenders laying prostrate surrounded by several thousands of dollars worth of fireworks.

“We discovered him hogtied with bottle rocket fuses,” Officer Tugo added. “At that time, we surmised that he must have been one of those guys lighting fireworks off every night into the early morning for weeks, and that the neighbors must have finally lost their goddamn minds.”

La Crosse PD will begin the arduous process of interviewing neighbors, locating and arresting those involved. Officer Tugo says that could take months, as they expect they might have to interrogate the entire Lower Northside and Depot neighborhood.

Flenders is recovering at La Crosse’s Gundersen hospital. He told The La Crosse Times his affinity for shooting fireworks while everyone else is sleeping isn’t even necessarily tied to Independence Day celebrations.

“I’m not really that patriotic,” Flenders said. “I just really love that Katy Perry song.”

La Crosse Times staff contributed to this article.