LA CROSSE, WIS — Rumors believed to be first circulated by annoyed boyfriends dating younger women were confirmed Friday. Religious scholars officially labeled Shooters Bar in La Crosse’s downtown as Purgatory.
“[Shooters] exists on a plane of existence devoid of time,” said Dr. Herbert B. Clyde of the Institute of Churches and Shit (ICS). “It’s actually quite remarkable.”
ICS researchers discovered that Shooters Bar functions essentially as a limbo between the good times with friends and the horrible times where you realize you want to get the fuck out of downtown already.
“We found that most people in Shooters-limbo get stuck waiting for a lesser known song to play so they can politely ask if anyone else in their group would like to move on or go home,” Dr. Clyde added. “But a lesser known song never comes. They are somehow all bangers all the time.”
Dr. Clyde went on to say that the mixture of such perfect music with the most unnecessarily loud, piercing sound system bouncing off the least effective acoustics of surrounding brick walls lead to major cases of cognitive dissonance.
“And it’s not much to do with the religious faith of the person or persons in question! The soberest people in the group are the most susceptible to feeling completely stuck out of time and helpless,” Dr Clyde said.
When it comes to designated drivers who are coaxed into going to Shooters Bar at the end of the night, ICS recommends that you try not to make use of the TV’s playing old Green Bay Packer games to judge time.
“By the time you get to the third quarter of Super Bowl XXXI, real time on the outside will have passed only about 13 seconds,” Dr. Clyde added. “You’re in it for the long haul. Godspeed.”
Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.