Old City Ordinance Technically Requires All Benefit Concerts to Feature TUGG

LA CROSSE, WIS — If it seems like the City of La Crosse is bound by law to include the same bands at each and every local concert big and small, you are technically right.

An investigative report by The La Crosse Times unearthed a 1924 ordinance requiring the presence of local reggae rock sensation TUGG at any public fundraising event including live music, baffling even members of the band themselves.

“You know, I thought that was kind of weird how many shows we were getting,” singer Andy Hughes said. “But now that I think about it, even when we say no to a gig, I always seem to wake up hogtied to a guitar on stage… yeah, that makes a lot more sense now.”

“I had no idea we were together that long,” guitarist Joe Ganzter said. “I guess time flies while you’re playing upstrokes exclusively.”

The ordinance reads, in part:

“WHEREAS, being that the City of La Crosse will likely run out of money for swell things and

WHEREAS, being that elder constituents will likely not want to pay for aforementioned swell things

The City of La Crosse will adopt an ordinance requiring the presence of the Toetappin’ Uber Good Guys (henceforth referred to as TUGG) at any and all fundraising events within the city with the intent of attracting donations; The city will adhere strictly to the ordinance under penalty of no more than $300,000.00 to the State of Wisconsin or imprisonment for no more than it takes to smoke an American Spirit cigarette…”

“In a pinch, [the city] used to just pay the fine,” said Mayor Tim Kabat, while confirming our report. “But we have a lot of road reconstruction to pay for nowadays, so in my mind it just makes sense to force TUGG to play and save what little money we have.”

We asked the mayor if anyone opted to go to prison for “the time it takes to smoke an American Spirit cigarette”. Mayor Kabat said to his knowledge, no one has ever actually finished an American Spirit, so it was essentially a life sentence.

“Considering the choices, I think paying the fine is the obvious way to go, if you’re forced to do so,” he said. “The good news is – if you need the money – TUGG will play a benefit concert for you.”

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.