REPORT: With Aunt Jemima Removal, Most Casual Racists Now Have No Black Friend


FOUKE, TX — Nearly every white person heard justifying a racist comment by saying, “It’s okay, I have a friend that is black and they are fine with me saying that,” was secretly referring to a bottle of Aunt Jemima syrup in their pantry, according to the latest reports.

Aunt Jemima is a 130 year old brand character PepsiCo recently described as “based on a racist stereotype” upon announcing that she would be removed and replaced. This move however, spurred a discovery that most white people don’t have the black friends they said they do.

“Fuck!” white guy Darren Megahonkey said. “Now everyone knows I didn’t have a reason and I was just making racist jokes because I’m racist! What am I going to do to save face now??”

The logo removal has also prompted much more openly racist people to call for a boycott of the syrup; a boycott local nutritionist Jeremy Franchesca says is having an unusual consequence.

“Since that boycott has gained steam among the racist community, we’ve noticed that type 2 diabetes rates are starting to plummet,” Franchesca said, “which would normally be a good thing, since they are getting healthier, but… these are racists we are talking about…”

Those same boycotters are demanding an eye for an eye, saying that if Aunt Jemima is removed, then Cracker Barrel also needs to change its name.

La Crosse Times Staff contributed to this article.