Rodgers Unhappy Packers Drafting Quarterback Successor “Bert Forve”

GREEN BAY, WIS — Last week, the 84th annual NFL draft concluded with several teams bolstering their rosters in needed areas for the upcoming NFL season. Football analysts assumed the Green Bay Packers would use their early pick(s) to fortify an area of need for a team that finished 13-3 last season and were one win away from another Super Bowl appearance. 

Perhaps they could have fortified their depth at receiver, or they could have addressed any of the several defensive needs. Instead, the Packers made a decision to move up in the draft order and took unknown quarterback Bert Forve as the 26th overall pick. This decision is assumed to be Aaron Rodgers’ heir apparent despite Rodgers coming off another spectacular season having only missed 18 games since he took the helm in 2008.  

Forve, who measures in at 6 foot 2 inches, 220 pounds, with jet-black dyed hair and a curly mustache that is slightly crooked, has baffled NFL pundits by being the first ever quarterback in history to not be drafted from a university. He is also the first player to be drafted whom nobody has seen before or even heard of.  

“I don’t get it. [What] the hell are the Packers thinking?” contemplated NFL analyst Smith A. Stevens, “You can even see right on his birth certificate where he changed his birth date in pencil from 1969 to 1999.”

Stevens pointed out certain physical characteristics of Forve that he found familiar like his ability to throw a football 100 mile per hour with spotty accuracy and always wearing Wrangler jeans.   

On paper, the decision to bring in a young quarterback now to spend a year or two learning under Rodgers seems to make sense. This same formula worked out for the Packers before when Rodgers was an understudy to Brett Favre.

Rodgers, who is under contract until 2023, was unavailable for comment, but those with him during the draft heard him muttering immediately after the pick, “Oh, fuck. Not again.”   

After signing his contract while wearing a Super Bowl ring, a jubilant Forve posed for photographs with his wife, two daughters, and three grandsons. 

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.