Sarcastic Landlord “Totally Bummed” He Can’t Fix Anything in Your Apartment Right Now


LA CRESCENT, MINN — According to reports Thursday, a local property manager is disingenuously upset about not being able to finally fix anything in your apartment.

“Oh it’s a total shame, such a shame,” said landlord Terry Duckwritter, wiping away Cheetos dust from his face. “I mean I totally would, but you know… flatten the curve and all that.”

According to his tenants, this policy during the COVID-19 crisis is not any different than normal.

“He wasn’t going to do that anyway,” tenant Denise Clitchardson said. “For years we’ve needed a new doorknob, the fan doesn’t work in the bathroom, we need more duct tape so we can close the fridge again… but this is a godsend of an excuse for him.”

Some others are treating this as a “glass half full” situation.

“I basically have tons of home repair experience now,” tenant Randy Rinklestuffer said. “Thinking I might go into the repair business once this all blows over.”

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.