Students Now Scrambling to Avoid Online Work Amid School Cancellations

LA CROSSE, WIS — Statewide school closures resulting from the spread of the coronavirus have forced educators to adopt online learning platforms for students on short notice. The abrupt change is expected to hit slacker students the hardest. 

“I’m just not sure what to do right now,” said straight-D student Lana Belfort, 15. “I was in a good routine of doing one or two things a quarter and then checking out. That’s all going to change now.”

Belfort’s usual repertoire of work avoidance strategies, including not listening to verbal instructions, not writing information down, and ignoring class announcements is well-suited for face-to-face instruction.

She is now considering alternatives as these strategies may be rendered useless.

“I’m going to have to reexamine my ways of dicking around and blowing off work,” Belfort said. “I have to adapt my intentional cluelessness to these changing conditions and find new ways to give two shits less.” 

It was unclear how many fucks Belfort would give in an online learning situation, but most speculate the number will be close to zero. Classmate Jackson Scheffer, 14, seemed to concur.

“I don’t know,” the slug-like adolescent mumbled from under his hood.

Classmates close to Scheffer say he shits the bed on every exam, almost always doesn’t know what’s going on in class, and just sits there. Early projections indicate that Scheffer will continue doing jack shit online. 

Scheffer did not respond to emails asking for clarification, further comment, or really anything to work with. 

Reporter Greg Lovell contributed to this article.