ONALASKA, WIS — New details of an extensive study conducted in the Coulee Region reveal that the almighty knows you’re still swearing when you switch out the bad words.
The study, conducted by the Onalaska First Free Church’s potty-mouth research department, set out to find just how much one could soften the blow of swearing by changing words to more accepted vernacular. The results, however, caught researchers off guard.
“We were blown away,” Lead Researcher Gavin Prayermonger said. “Since we were kids, we’ve all had the basic understanding that if we said ‘shoot’ instead of ‘shit’ or ‘gosh darn’ instead of ‘god damn’, that we would be seen better in the eyes of the lord, but… it turns out we’re still fucked – SORRY! I mean screwed… Actually never mind, yeah, we’re fucked.”
First Free Church’s P-M R&D says the surprising results will need to be corroborated from other area church research departments. If it is, Prayermonger says there may be a precedent set for other more serious empty religious gestures.
“We’re a little afraid to see what the ramifications are of just sending prayers during a tragedy instead of resources or policy changes,” Prayermonger added, “because if that turns out to be useless, most of the US government may be headed straight to hell, no hand basket required.”
Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.