Study Finds Kwik Trip Best Buddy Not Really Your Best Buddy

LA CROSSE, WIS — Researchers from the Pennsylvania Institute for Sugar Studies (PISS) have released a highly-anticipated report that sheds light on the effects of Kwik Trip’s popular Best Buddy fountain sodas. PISS published the report after completing a 25-year medical study following a cohort of Best Buddy drinkers ages 20-45.

The results were not encouraging for Kwik Trip’s future sales of the voluminous sugary drink.

Kwik Trip Best Buddy fountain soda circa 1991

“A key takeaway here is that the Best Buddy is not really anyone’s best buddy,” said Dr. Jonathon H. Dong, the study’s lead researcher. “We found a range of detrimental effects, especially pertaining to the shitty flavor shots that can be added.”

Kwik Trip Best Buddy present day

The study found that regularly consuming Best Buddy fountain soda is strongly correlated to the following outcomes:

  • Weight gain
  • Hyperactivity/acting like an ass
  • Self-loathing, because fuck me I actually took down that whole thing 
  • Agitation and restlessness
  • Arteriosclerosis 
  • Feeling like a loser, because holy shit that was 44 ounces I just drank
  • Immunosuppression

Don Zietlow, Kwik Trip’s owner, offered no comment on the report, though a company spokesperson later issued a statement saying “We’re selling fun here, and the Best Buddy is fun, am I right? Ayyyyye!”

Reporter Greg Lovell contributed to this article.