STUDY: Prayer Effective at Slowing Virus Spread When Combined with “Wearing a Fucking Mask”

WASHINGTON, DC — Following the first press conference of the White House’s Coronavirus Task Force in two months, the CDC issued their own update regarding the disease. 

“We have found significant data that suggests prayer is an effective way to prevent spreading the coronavirus, but only when combined with putting on a goddamn face mask,” said Claire Welda, spokesperson for the CDC. “We’re seeing a high number of positive cases of people who tried to prevent getting coronavirus through prayer alone. However, when you combine prayer with wearing face masks, the number of positive cases falls drastically. The decline was so pronounced it approached the level of cases we’ve seen from people who didn’t pray to keep the virus away, but still wore masks”

The results were initially surprising to Welda. 

“To be honest, we didn’t even ask people who were testing positive for coronavirus whether or not they were praying, but the people who were praying and tested positive anyway were quick to tell us that they had been praying,” Welda added. “We’re only interested in science, so it never seemed important to us. It wasn’t until we noticed the huge discrepancy between those who just prayed versus those who prayed and wore masks.”

Welda said the CDC tried to report this breakthrough to the Covid Task Force but they appeared to have only heard half of what Welda was saying.

“We presented our findings to Vice President Pence, but he seemed to focus more on the prayer part, and less on the face mask,” Welda said. 

During the press conference on Thursday, Pence mentioned prayer on four occasions, but did not recommend or even mention wearing a mask to slow the spread of the virus.

“It must have slipped his mind, the Vice President is very busy after all. With the overwhelming mountains of information we’ve provided, the vice president would have to be a deranged sociopath not to advise wearing a mask. Either that or he’d have to be terribly incompetent; like, so incompetent that you’d have to wonder how on earth he’s second in line for the most powerful job in the country. Dangerously, stupidly incompetent. An idiotic fucking moron, in other words.”

Vice President Pence has since advocated for wearing masks to slow the spread of infection, but there is more work and research to be done.

Welda added that they had not done any research on if prayer with face masks did more to slow transmission than just face masks alone. 

“Again, we’re focusing primarily on facts and science, and the science shows that prayer works, as long as you wear a FUCKING MASK.”

Reporter DJ Bigalke contributed to this article.