Ticketmaster Offers Refund in Form of Direct Kick to the Balls

BEVERLY HILLS, CA — In lieu of giving customers a monetary refund for cancelled concert tickets due to the COVID-19 pandemic, Ticketmaster has decided to adhere to the spirit of their company’s traditions and are instead giving customers one swift kick to the balls or to an organ of equivalent value to be used at a later date. 

The ticket sales and distribution monopoly made the change in the refund policy this past week after suffering severe backlash from concertgoers who were denied refunds for concerts that have been cancelled. Many of these concertgoers need their money back to be able to take care of their families while out of work.  

Ticketmaster spokesman Nate Servicefees said he believes the kick to the balls will serve a dual purpose of both giving the concert goers something tangible in return while also falling in line with the Ticketmaster mission of both squeezing every goddamn dollar out of concert goers while giving touring acts no option but to work through them. 

We will now and forever absolutely fuck everybody (except ourselves) at every possible opportunity. 

TICKETMASTER MISSION STATEMENT

“We are proud to announce the ball-kicking rebate option,” Servicefees added, “The kick can be used at any time for any Ticketmaster sponsored event in the future.”

Servicefee explained that concert goers always have the option to donate their kick in the balls to a Ticketmaster charity they are calling “Ticketmaster.” 

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

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