OTTOWA, CAN — A bunch of total showoffs shocked the globe Friday by taking action on gun violence without even bitterly debating it for decades on end and eventually doing nothing like normal.
The Canadian government issued an immediate ban on 1500 different types of military grade tactical assault style weapons following only one tragic shooting that happened to be the worst in the country’s history.
“These weapons were designed for one purpose and one purpose only: to kill the largest number of people in the shortest amount of time,” Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said, while also perfectly folding a fitted sheet and balancing several spinning plates and pulling a rabbit out of a hat. “There is no use and no place for such weapons in Canada.”
The ban was not universally accepted, of course, but apparently Canada lacks a certain something that would have helped drag the debate on and on like only one other nation in the world.
“I wish we had like one really vague rule set in stone that we could constantly point to that would make it impossible for any action to take place against gun violence,” Conservative Party Leader Andrew Scheer said wistfully. “I guess now all we can do is pout while these liberals actually do something instead of letting us all scream at each other until we forget what we were even talking about.”
Scheer went on to say that the ban allows a two year amnesty period for Canadian citizens to comply and take advantage of the government’s buyback program, so, “get your shooting sprees in now, eh?”
Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.